Think before you speak… but don’t take, like, 6 months or something…

It has been a long time. I last wrote about being in a dark hole, and I guess it could be possible that my readers thought I never got out of it. Well, I did, but as a consequence I lost my Voice.

I learned in recent days that failure to communicate can lead to catastrophe. My biggest flaw is my lack of skill in that area. You may or may not understand the concept of ‘white noise’ or ‘noisy head’, but let me try to clarify…

For a person like me, who is naturally quiet and reserved, it is too easy to get lost inside your own head. When there is no fog, you can be snapped out of the internal world and rejoin the real world with ease. But when there’s fog, what is in your head is only noise: the constant hissing, where your brain is trying to filter through that massive muddle of thoughts, where there’s no single voice you can isolate, where there’s no coherent thought of any kind. Which, of course, results in you looking like a catatonic jellyfish when someone asks a question.

This happened to me. It escalated to the point where I almost lost the person closest to me. It wasn’t the absence of proper communication, it was what came out when I tried.  I tried to translate the noise without first being aware, and making my Love aware, that the first words would be the dirt that’s washed off a potato before you get it ready to cook. I couldn’t make it aware, because I was yet to learn it.

But I’ve learned it now, though it caused tremendous heartache for us both.

The moral of the story is, you need to practice. I need to practice talking, and to do that I need to just talk. Say words. Start small, tell someone an interesting observation, send someone a funny picture. Saying something, even if it’s not… whatever the word is for someone having a way with words… because filling the space where words need to be will increase the capacity for more and better words.

I just wish I hadn’t hurt my Love in the process… 😦

via Daily Prompt: Devastation


Let me teach you about the Black Hole

Lately I’ve been experiencing the slow dark descent into depression. I hate that word, all it makes me think of is the 1920s.

I’m at a stage now where I can explain what it feels like. I want to do this as an attempt at helping those who’ve never experienced it to understand. And for those who face it regularly to know they’re not alone. And if they struggle to explain how they feel to others, maybe they’ll direct them here.

Those who don’t understand might say we have a case of the melancholy. Or the blues. Or we’re just a bit sad. But it’s more than that. I myself am guilty of thinking of others, ‘ah come on, you can snap out of it’. Even when I’ve felt it before. But when I feel it again myself I know it’s not as simple as that. Not even close.

I’ll tell you how it is, but first a bit of background. I was always prone to depression but it was mild. It wouldn’t last long or cause enough problems to warrant medication, so you could say I handled it on my own. It was when the anxiety reared its ugly head that things became unmanageable.

That was six years ago. Around the 5-year mark, I reduced my dose with doctor’s guidance and weaned myself off them. The withdrawals were worse than the starting side effects, I can tell you. After a couple of months, I felt the descent. It got so bad I would go out in my car, park somewhere and just cru until I had no tears left. On one occasion I actually reached out to a local charitable organisation, but there was no one available to help me. It’s a good thing I wasn’t suicidal…

Another couple of months passed, and I was struggling to lose weight. When I spoke to my doctor, he said the depression had slowed my metabolism to a crawl. So he put me back on the medication, and the weight started to come off.

Fast forward about 8 months, and it was time to reduce the dose again. This time I was on the half dose for 4 months. Right now is about two months from my last tablet.

And here’s what it’s like…

You wake up in the morning feeling like no sleep has been had at all. You lie and look at the ceiling, wishing you could just stay there in the darkness because for now it feels safe.

When you finally get out of bed, you start at yourself in the mirror, questioning the reality of your existence. Am I awake? Am I still sleeping? Do I really look like that?

You get dressed, but it takes a lot longer than usual because your legs hurt. Your arms hurt. Your head hurts. Your legs feel heavy, like they need to move but they don’t want to. Breakfast isn’t the usual, because all of your regular food is unappealing. You take the bare minimum so as to not feel sick.

The journey to work seems much longer. You try not to look around so much because that field over there could look a bit too attractive
The stairs to your office seem bigger, your legs screaming to go somewhere else because this place isn’t going to help. They say routine is good, but this place really isn’t going to help today.

Sitting at a desk with limited opportunities to change position aggravates your restless legs. They feel pain because they are desperate to move. The ringing phone generates fear that someone will notice in your voice that something’s wrong. Fear that they’ll think you’re rude or you don’t care but really you do, because you struggle to speak words that other humans can under because you struggle to speak. Words come out one at a time, and even then you’re not sure they came out at all.

Everything goes so slow; time, the speed you do your job, the movements you make. Even your words come out slowly, so slow that it takes all the breath you have and you need to inhale so deeply it’s like you’ve broken the surface of the sea.

People you love become people you can barely tolerate. It’s not their fault, but it’s not your fault either, a fact that’s easy to forget. Things you felt joy from doing, only cause pain. It stirs up feelings inside that you can’t understand because your brain won’t make the connection between the activity associated positive emotion. Your brain forgets. Your heart aches.

Depression is a block. It’s a preventer. It’s a black hole of despair that no one else can see, no one else can feel. Every person who knows what I’m talking about has their own version of The Hole. Some contain apathy, some anger and rage. Some drown in their tears, like me. And some are able to carry on without showing any sign that they’re in the hole at all.

Mine won’t let me out until I have something to focus on. Yesterday it was watching the highlights of the MotoGP race in Brno. Doing that again today might not have the same effect as yesterday, I have to find something else to focus on. Writing this blog post has helped. But what will help tomorrow? I don’t know, but I’m sure I’ll wake myself up tonight several times to actively worry about it.


The facts are these

I have all kinds of crazy dreams. This time, I thought I’d share one with you, maybe get your thoughts…

My dream is in two parts. The first, a plane crash. The second, a spate of dead dogs.

So, the plane crash. I was on a plane. Don’t know where I was going or where I was coming from. I saw an EasyJet (white with orange writing) plane out the window, it was going down. It hit my plane on the way down, and our tail caught fire. I remember thinking, this doesn’t feel like a dream. We also went down. All this occurred in a built up area. I was a passenger in a window seat. I wasn’t overly scared.

My interpretation from research

  • Planes symbolise projects, plans or relationships taking  off
  • Being a passenger symbolises giving control over to other people, following the crowd, or relying on others to get where I’m going
  • Being in a window seat means seeing the big picture but maybe not being able to act on it
  • The plane crashing is about some aspect of my life in danger of ending suddenly, or my goals are too high, or I’m not confident enough to believe I can achieve those high goals

Bottom line? Dunno.

Okay, the dog story. I heard on Facebook that some people in the local area were poisoning dogs. I went to look for the dogs. I saw them all lying outside their houses. I was told there were 11 of them, but I found 12. They were all Alsatians (German shepherds). I was upset, wondering why someone would do that to such beautiful animals.

My interpretation from research

  • A dead or dying dog means a loss of instincts

That’s all I have.

Any ideas?

Maybe I used to write like a crazy person

I found a thing. An old thing I wrote a long time ago. November 2005 to be exact. I find it to be bizarre… and I wanted to share it.

Like the Dead

Fighting past the barren sky, I fear the trembling… coming again. The lights are out, and I am indeed, alone. I am erased from that which was, and never will be again.

They know nothing, and I do not owe anyone. I have been laid out for them to see, and pass judgement on my frailty. There are no subtle jestures in their eyes, no faith or fiction.

I am cherished in some minds, although the words are delayed. None will spill into this world, they shall but drift unto countless euphoric moonlit skies, and pass through the ages.

Forgotten moments of clarity are what haunt the good. Simple enchantments are innocently cruel, bringing forth torment to those who wish to seek the broken and unholy. They did not give themselves to me; I only wished to share.

They no longer see the darkness in my eyes, yet I can see theirs. Simple twists and turns are reborn; something rather beautiful. I feel serenity in knowing… they are like the dead.

Rest assured, I am always there. Not wanting to be, yet still I remain, holding on to the hope that maybe one day I will be missed. I know that I was less than pure, but I was everyone else but me…

Sorrow depart! There is no time to meddle with such things. I feel the fear rising. Closed within this pale exterior, lies a creature with an unmeasured wealth of beauty…

My mind is blank…

She lies dormant, unwilling to be awakened. She refuses this time, and this place. She speaks; I must return to where the grass is greener, to where the lights are brighter… resist the urge to unstep the forward path…

And so I fall. With a hunger still unsatisfied, I tread the road I have been before. Alone, without heart, yet still breathing, wanting and needing. The dawn has risen…

…and a rose has blossomed.

Finished on 22nd November 2005 at 02:06 GMT


One word prompt – maybe

Hello darkness, my old friend

Any time I see or hear the word ‘darkness’, I start singing a song…

Hello darkness, my old friend… I’ve come to talk with you again…

It’s a song that has followed me since I was a teenager in the 90s, when my daddy the introduced me to the music of Simon & Garfunkle, and Sound of Silence became one of my favourites.

The older I get, the more the song resonates with me. I understand the darkness more, I understand the silence more… because I’ve lived it. And more importantly, I’ve survived it.

I’m gonna let you in to a little secret. I suffered from anxiety and depression on different levels since my teenage years. It got to an almost unbearable level about 7 years ago. That’s when I discovered what real darkness was.

But the silence was the worst part. The silence of my own Voice. I lost the ability to speak, yes, in a literal sense. I was so stressed out I couldn’t communicate in a manner that could be understood by others, so I became isolated. I’ve gone over this so many times in my head since, but I’ve learned to stop the spiral before it takes me over the edge – an enormous achievement on my part. *smug* 🙄

So instead of getting caught in a spiral, I can get lost in a song, knowing I have overcome and just take the words as they are…

Hello darkness, my old friend…

Darkness –

I guess I feel annoyed at my fitness level

So, a couple of weeks ago I started Couch to 5K. I have some thoughts about it…

For a start, I don’t think the creators took into consideration just how unfit people can be when they embark on the journey from their sofa to being able to run. As such, I believe it should be renamed to something along the lines of One Foot in the Grave to 5K. And it should start off much easier than it currently does.

See, the first 3 days involves this – warm up walk for 5 minutes, run for 60 seconds, walk for 90 seconds. Repeat the runs and walks for a total of 8 runs, and the last walk is a cool down.

My body has managed a total of 3 runs at most. Over 4 days. Going by the regime, I should be starting day 2 of the second week, which involves 90 second runs. Yeah, that’s just a tad too much for me…

As a result, I’ve had to restart my excellent progress. I’ve had to wipe the first week simply because I’m not at the fitness level required to move on to week 2. I find it rather unfair. All I’m doing is trying to get my foot out of the grave, and be able to build up my ‘fitness’ level to beyond ‘walking dead’.

In conclusion… For something that’s called Couch to 5K, the developers ignore the fact that not everyone who’s spent years on a sofa can just get up and run for 60 seconds. I had to train myself to be able to run for a fraction of that! I had to train myself over the course of a year and a half to get to the point where I could walk for approximately 3 miles without my legs being on fire or needing to lie down.

*deeeeep breath*

What happens when words don’t work?

There was a time I struggled to get words out. Any words. Some would argue that’s still the case…


my soul against
your words for another time, another…

one more
smack to my
heart with demon
vocabulary and innocent eyes

my abili…
…ty to show the unspeakable for you

Written on 9th January 2010 at 00:21 GMT

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