It has been a long time. I last wrote about being in a dark hole, and I guess it could be possible that my readers thought I never got out of it. Well, I did, but as a consequence I lost my Voice.
I learned in recent days that failure to communicate can lead to catastrophe. My biggest flaw is my lack of skill in that area. You may or may not understand the concept of ‘white noise’ or ‘noisy head’, but let me try to clarify…
For a person like me, who is naturally quiet and reserved, it is too easy to get lost inside your own head. When there is no fog, you can be snapped out of the internal world and rejoin the real world with ease. But when there’s fog, what is in your head is only noise: the constant hissing, where your brain is trying to filter through that massive muddle of thoughts, where there’s no single voice you can isolate, where there’s no coherent thought of any kind. Which, of course, results in you looking like a catatonic jellyfish when someone asks a question.
This happened to me. It escalated to the point where I almost lost the person closest to me. It wasn’t the absence of proper communication, it was what came out when I tried. I tried to translate the noise without first being aware, and making my Love aware, that the first words would be the dirt that’s washed off a potato before you get it ready to cook. I couldn’t make it aware, because I was yet to learn it.
But I’ve learned it now, though it caused tremendous heartache for us both.
The moral of the story is, you need to practice. I need to practice talking, and to do that I need to just talk. Say words. Start small, tell someone an interesting observation, send someone a funny picture. Saying something, even if it’s not… whatever the word is for someone having a way with words… because filling the space where words need to be will increase the capacity for more and better words.
I just wish I hadn’t hurt my Love in the process… 😦